Fighting Depression During a Pandemic

*Twigger Warner Depression and Suicidality*

I cross a pedestrian overpass across Storrow Drive and look down at the empty parkway during what should be rush hour. I walk my bike above the overpass and ride along the Charles, I’m relieved that there aren’t as many people along the river, and that people are practicing social distancing. Yet I know that I’m being hypocritical because I’m out in the world and not currently at home. 

         The signs of spring are on full display, flowers are beginning to bloom. I feel like the sun and spring air or rejuvenating me. It’s the best that I’ve felt all day. I need this time outdoors, to be able to get out of my dark thoughts.  Yet I feel guilty for how good this bike ride makes me feel. I’m terrified that my need to be outside will put others at risk. I have searched online to see what is recommended and felt solace by the City of the Boston posting guidelines saying that exercise is permitted. Yet I still keep in my mind social media posts encouraging people to stay home. 

            In the past month I have fallen back into depressive thoughts that I had believed were in my past. Only two weeks before this bike ride I had one of my worst panic attacks. Earlier that day I had my first video session with my therapist. I had tried to speak to her in my car, for privacy from my roommate. The video was freezing up on my phone. Not to mention that it was an unbelievably cold New England day and sitting in a freezing car was not conducive to comfort. When I turned on the car the audio got messed up because my phone is connected to the audio in the car. When I switched the venue of the session into my apartment I was constantly nervous that my roommate could hear. When it ended I felt worse than when it had begun. 

            That night I lay in bed, unable to sleep, knowing that it was getting closer to when my alarm would go off for work. I felt overcome with emotions, my depression and anxiety were teaming up on me. The depressed part of me felt completely hopeless, and the anxious part of me wanted to run and hide. Those two parts conflicting made my despair feel even more intense, the only solution that I could think of was taking my own life but I knew that I didn’t want to do. I knew that I didn’t want to die, and couldn’t do that to my therapist, as a fellow social worker I knew how much it would hurt. 

Without options I just felt despair, I called a suicide hotline for the first time in my life. It was refreshing to cry on the phone with to an anonymous person, who didn’t know me at my best, how far I had felt like I had fallen.  I felt slightly better after that night. Had bad days mixed with good days. So many moments where I felt so appreciative for everyone I have, a career that challenges and interests me, amazing friends, a roommate that I get along with, a home that I feel safe in, family and loved ones who are safe. The gratitude that I have makes these times of distress even more difficult because I feel like I’m week. Yet three weeks later I found myself again in a hopeless state and I call the suicide hotline again. It took close to 20 minutes before I was able to get through to someone, it felt like it symbolized the burden that I was taking up too many resources in the world. 

I feel like I am fighting for my life. Which feels like an insensitive thing to say while there are people in our hospitals literally fighting for their life. I always knew that isolation was a trigger for me. I want more than anything to be around people again, the absence of seeing people I care about feels like I’m missing a part of me. I hate that what I want would put others in danger of infection. Depression makes it difficult to see life outside of yourself. Which makes me feel more selfish during this time that the world is coming together to help others, to be just thinking of myself. I look at social media posts that says “You aren’t stuck at home. You’re safe at home” or “it’s a privilege to shelter in place at home”. I make gratitude lists and feel more week. 

When I go for bike rides on the river it feels like what I need to keep myself going. However, I worry that my needs are not what is good for the collective society. If 100 more people are that the Charles the same time I am, that is dangerous.  I’ve always been the type of person who puts my own needs before others. Whenever I would do something to take care of myself I’d worry about being selfish. Now my needs for being in the community actually are selfish. Self-care is hard to manage to during this time when all of my typical modes of comfort are not accessible during this pandemic. Depression is often an inner voice telling you that your problems are not enough, or that your weak. It seems like that voice is amplified when there are so many others suffering during these times.

 This is a time when a lot seems fragile, mental health is one of these times. Reach out to those by phone, find creative coping skills. Most of all be gentle on yourself, everyone’s struggles are valid. Just because someone else has it worse then you it doesn’t make your pain less real.